Well the little man is now 6 months old and Im so proud of him. He cracks my heart everytime I look at him. He has beautiful grey eyes (I have no idea where they came from as both of us have brown eyes although dhs mum has blue/grey eyes and so did my nan (I hope they are from my nan)). He is wonderful and he wakes up every morning and smiles at me and I smile back at him.
We have had some issues - he has a flat head with a slight bulge to one side, a prefernce for the left hand(when the peaditrian says its too early), and as yet he cant push up on his arms. He has x-rays, scans, blood tests and physio to look forward to. But at least then we will know if there is anything wrong.
Even with the above, I believe my little miracle is thriving.
xxx
Sunday 25 March 2012
Sunday 18 December 2011
3 months and first Christmas
How beautiful it was to be putting my Christmas decorations up this year while the little man slept peacefully in his cot. It was a very emotional experience.
I love Christmas but it is also a time when I have felt most strongly the hurt and frustration of not having a baby. I can say this here, but hanging the baby Jesus decoration was always accompanied by a prayer.
This year I was half way through hanging them when I suddenly realised that I didnt have to have those feelings anymore. He is here and he is beautiful and I love him. I did shed a little tear for the baby that never was as it woud have been his/her first Christmas too.
Our first Christmas.
I love Christmas but it is also a time when I have felt most strongly the hurt and frustration of not having a baby. I can say this here, but hanging the baby Jesus decoration was always accompanied by a prayer.
This year I was half way through hanging them when I suddenly realised that I didnt have to have those feelings anymore. He is here and he is beautiful and I love him. I did shed a little tear for the baby that never was as it woud have been his/her first Christmas too.
Our first Christmas.
Monday 3 October 2011
Saturday 1 October 2011
New Mum!
Well, I cant believe it but its true, Im actually a mum to a totally adorable little boy.
I completed my 24 hour urine collection and took the bottles back to the hospital to be analysed. I rang the following day and the results showed that I had failed (just) the urine test. I was invited into the day unit to have my case reviewed by a doctor. There seemed no urgency and the I chatted with the midwife and eventually decided to go in on Sunday, as that is the quietest day.
Sunday arrived, dh's birthday, and we stopped into the hospital on the way to dinner. They took my blood pressure, it was elevated, and the doctor said that they want to admit me. So that was that Sunday, 11 September I was admitted onto the ante-natal ward.
On that first night they gave me a bp pill that split my head in two. I couldnt believe it. They gave me the pill at 11pm and the first time I could put my head on the pillow was 2pm the following afternoon. I spent the night begging for medication and crying.
There I stayed having blood pressure scare after bp scare - with bp reaching levels of 198 at the end. Mostly my bp raised in the night and the same procedure would happen. The nurse would wake me, take my blood pressure, it would be raised, she would ring the doctor, the doctor would prescribe another pill, sometime later she would return, take my blood pressure again, it wouldnt have gone down and the doctor would come. He would tap my joints to check my reflexes, order bloods (which were mostly clear) and my bp would come down an hour or so later only to spike in the middle of the day. Then in a day or two the whole procedure would start again. That was the pattern of the days including some growth scans and trips to the diabetic clinic until they began to see me on the ward.
On the 19/9 the sonographer who completed a very quick growth scan concluded that 'the ac (abdonminal circumference) was now below the 3rd percentile and as stated in the previous growth scan the measures had halted'. On the night of the 19th my bp rose to 198 and they introduced lots of different medications to try to lower it.
For the morning rounds of the consultant I had it all worked out how I was going to demand some action but I didnt need to say anything. The consultant reviewed my results and said ' in light of the bp and scan we need to induce you'. I later asked the nurse when I would transfer me over to the birth centre and she said about 8ish. Within an hour they were there waiting for me.
I was transfered to one of the rooms and given a gel to prompt the cervix to open (be warned it is the most horrible thing I have ever had done to me. They put 2 fingers inside you and keep going till they find the opening they then insert this gel.) After 6 hours nothing had happened so the procedure was repeated (this time by a midwife with amazingly short and extra plump fingers!!) Again nothing happened. What they want is for the cervix to open enough for them to break your waters. I fell asleep, the next morning the same girl gave me a 'sweep' which is kind of the same but without the gel. At my hospital they wont repeat the meds more than twice then you have to have a 24 hour break. I was wandering around the room, had a quick bounce on the birthing ball and bang my waters broke.
They transfered me to another room and gave me an epidural immediately. Because of my high blood pressure it was felt safest for me to have this immediately so my body wouldnt experience the highs and the pain could be managed from the off. They then started the hormone drip that brings on contractions. Im very proud to say that after only 1 hour of proper full strength contractions I dilated 5cms! I had only had one shot of the epidural and felt I was managing the pain well. But after that point every time I had a contraction the baby's heart slowed. This is apparently fine if fully dilated but not at this stage of labour. The doctors came in and discussed between themselves what should happen, they decided that I should have a break and they would review in 30 minutes. They then left the room. The midwife swictched everything off and stopped the drip (which stopped the contractions) as instructed. She told me to lay on my left side and relax. I did this and after only 5 or so minutes we all listened as the babies heart slowed to nothing. The midwife asked dh to press the emergency switch - I shouted at him to push it now.
Within 2 minutes the room was full of the same doctors crowding around the bed and I shouted as forcefully as I could that they need to get my baby out now. We were run and bumped down the hallway on the trolley. DH was given scrubs to change into and he joined me in theatre. A tent thing was erected, I was striped bare (the cold air across my body), my drugs changed so I could feel no pain just sensation and suddenly from behind the sheet - a cry. It was the most amazing sound I have ever heard. He was rushed for checks by the baby doctors (they had been told he was 31 weeks so half the team were there). I told dh to go with them so he could hear what was being said and check everything was okay while the doctors put me back together. Then he appeared, wrapped in a towel, perfect. He is tiny (that much was true) he weighed 4lb1, he now weighs 3lb9 or 1.8kgs (that weight loss is normal after birth). He has no signs of any syndromes. He is beautiful and has made typing this message twice as hard as he is laying on my chest curled in his favourite position.
We were discharged from hospital on Sunday. Sunday night we got home and I have a terrible fever. So after 1 night we are back in hospital, apparently I have a blood infection and a collection of fluid from the c-section (try typing with a drip and a baby) and we will have to stay till I feel better. Im pleased because that 1 night on my own, with no midwives to asked I worried about looking after my tiny boy. I may be sick but I am overwhelmed with happiness. My job is to feed him and keep him warm until he grows. The most amazing thing is how he recognises me from everyone else. I think he is pretty clever too, he scowls, has a sulky face and smiles. Not bad for 9 days old.
Well thats it... except you may be asking about names...we havent decided. I like Soren and have been road testing it but it feels such a important decision I want to get it right.
We have a wonderful private room (probably because of the word 'infection') overlooking the Thames and I check the time by looking across the river at one of Big Ben's faces.
On Monday we should be discharged if the collection has reduced from the previous scan if not Im afraid its a big needle and ultra sound equipment to remove it.
Im overwhelmed when I look at my darling little boy.
I completed my 24 hour urine collection and took the bottles back to the hospital to be analysed. I rang the following day and the results showed that I had failed (just) the urine test. I was invited into the day unit to have my case reviewed by a doctor. There seemed no urgency and the I chatted with the midwife and eventually decided to go in on Sunday, as that is the quietest day.
Sunday arrived, dh's birthday, and we stopped into the hospital on the way to dinner. They took my blood pressure, it was elevated, and the doctor said that they want to admit me. So that was that Sunday, 11 September I was admitted onto the ante-natal ward.
On that first night they gave me a bp pill that split my head in two. I couldnt believe it. They gave me the pill at 11pm and the first time I could put my head on the pillow was 2pm the following afternoon. I spent the night begging for medication and crying.
There I stayed having blood pressure scare after bp scare - with bp reaching levels of 198 at the end. Mostly my bp raised in the night and the same procedure would happen. The nurse would wake me, take my blood pressure, it would be raised, she would ring the doctor, the doctor would prescribe another pill, sometime later she would return, take my blood pressure again, it wouldnt have gone down and the doctor would come. He would tap my joints to check my reflexes, order bloods (which were mostly clear) and my bp would come down an hour or so later only to spike in the middle of the day. Then in a day or two the whole procedure would start again. That was the pattern of the days including some growth scans and trips to the diabetic clinic until they began to see me on the ward.
On the 19/9 the sonographer who completed a very quick growth scan concluded that 'the ac (abdonminal circumference) was now below the 3rd percentile and as stated in the previous growth scan the measures had halted'. On the night of the 19th my bp rose to 198 and they introduced lots of different medications to try to lower it.
For the morning rounds of the consultant I had it all worked out how I was going to demand some action but I didnt need to say anything. The consultant reviewed my results and said ' in light of the bp and scan we need to induce you'. I later asked the nurse when I would transfer me over to the birth centre and she said about 8ish. Within an hour they were there waiting for me.
I was transfered to one of the rooms and given a gel to prompt the cervix to open (be warned it is the most horrible thing I have ever had done to me. They put 2 fingers inside you and keep going till they find the opening they then insert this gel.) After 6 hours nothing had happened so the procedure was repeated (this time by a midwife with amazingly short and extra plump fingers!!) Again nothing happened. What they want is for the cervix to open enough for them to break your waters. I fell asleep, the next morning the same girl gave me a 'sweep' which is kind of the same but without the gel. At my hospital they wont repeat the meds more than twice then you have to have a 24 hour break. I was wandering around the room, had a quick bounce on the birthing ball and bang my waters broke.
They transfered me to another room and gave me an epidural immediately. Because of my high blood pressure it was felt safest for me to have this immediately so my body wouldnt experience the highs and the pain could be managed from the off. They then started the hormone drip that brings on contractions. Im very proud to say that after only 1 hour of proper full strength contractions I dilated 5cms! I had only had one shot of the epidural and felt I was managing the pain well. But after that point every time I had a contraction the baby's heart slowed. This is apparently fine if fully dilated but not at this stage of labour. The doctors came in and discussed between themselves what should happen, they decided that I should have a break and they would review in 30 minutes. They then left the room. The midwife swictched everything off and stopped the drip (which stopped the contractions) as instructed. She told me to lay on my left side and relax. I did this and after only 5 or so minutes we all listened as the babies heart slowed to nothing. The midwife asked dh to press the emergency switch - I shouted at him to push it now.
Within 2 minutes the room was full of the same doctors crowding around the bed and I shouted as forcefully as I could that they need to get my baby out now. We were run and bumped down the hallway on the trolley. DH was given scrubs to change into and he joined me in theatre. A tent thing was erected, I was striped bare (the cold air across my body), my drugs changed so I could feel no pain just sensation and suddenly from behind the sheet - a cry. It was the most amazing sound I have ever heard. He was rushed for checks by the baby doctors (they had been told he was 31 weeks so half the team were there). I told dh to go with them so he could hear what was being said and check everything was okay while the doctors put me back together. Then he appeared, wrapped in a towel, perfect. He is tiny (that much was true) he weighed 4lb1, he now weighs 3lb9 or 1.8kgs (that weight loss is normal after birth). He has no signs of any syndromes. He is beautiful and has made typing this message twice as hard as he is laying on my chest curled in his favourite position.
We were discharged from hospital on Sunday. Sunday night we got home and I have a terrible fever. So after 1 night we are back in hospital, apparently I have a blood infection and a collection of fluid from the c-section (try typing with a drip and a baby) and we will have to stay till I feel better. Im pleased because that 1 night on my own, with no midwives to asked I worried about looking after my tiny boy. I may be sick but I am overwhelmed with happiness. My job is to feed him and keep him warm until he grows. The most amazing thing is how he recognises me from everyone else. I think he is pretty clever too, he scowls, has a sulky face and smiles. Not bad for 9 days old.
Well thats it... except you may be asking about names...we havent decided. I like Soren and have been road testing it but it feels such a important decision I want to get it right.
We have a wonderful private room (probably because of the word 'infection') overlooking the Thames and I check the time by looking across the river at one of Big Ben's faces.
On Monday we should be discharged if the collection has reduced from the previous scan if not Im afraid its a big needle and ultra sound equipment to remove it.
Im overwhelmed when I look at my darling little boy.
Thursday 8 September 2011
35 weeks pregnant
Wednesday's midwife appointment ended much like the week befores. I had a +1 protein in my urine and raised blood pressure. Needless to say I didnt get to see the midwife. I had the consultation with the diabetes doctor, a very sincere young man, who sat forward in his chair and looked at me squarely in his face. Im not used to such attention and it unsettled me. Anyway, he wasnt pleased that I had so few readings (only dinner readings this past week) and reminded me its not for long. He is right of course and I will try harder.
From there I was supposed to see the midwife but instead was seen by a doctor who sent me to the Day Unit to be assessed. She wrote on my notes that if I have a second high blood pressure reading I was to be admitted. I didnt and so was able to leave at 8pm (Id been there since 1). They monitored the baby and all seemed okay. They didnt do the number of bp readings that she had asked for so called me over, just before sending me on my way to do another. I left carrying two large plastic bottles and a measuring jug with instructions to collect my urine for 24 hours.
Up to the wee that got me out of bed in the middle of the night, there was under half a litre. Maybe I need to drink more. A couple of hours to go and I will return the bottle filled with what looks like some dark mechanical biproduct.
When I got home my blood pressure read 165/111. Ten minutes later it was back down. I have no idea whats happening but I dont think they can ignore the high readings forever. The problem is its normally high and stays high while mine fluctuates.
Another interesting experience with a medic. This time the doctor wanted a job in an ivf clinic and wanted to know what made a good service/good consultant. We must have talked about it for 15/20 minutes.
Symptoms = swollen feet and ankles rising to my calves now, painful hands and fingers
From there I was supposed to see the midwife but instead was seen by a doctor who sent me to the Day Unit to be assessed. She wrote on my notes that if I have a second high blood pressure reading I was to be admitted. I didnt and so was able to leave at 8pm (Id been there since 1). They monitored the baby and all seemed okay. They didnt do the number of bp readings that she had asked for so called me over, just before sending me on my way to do another. I left carrying two large plastic bottles and a measuring jug with instructions to collect my urine for 24 hours.
Up to the wee that got me out of bed in the middle of the night, there was under half a litre. Maybe I need to drink more. A couple of hours to go and I will return the bottle filled with what looks like some dark mechanical biproduct.
When I got home my blood pressure read 165/111. Ten minutes later it was back down. I have no idea whats happening but I dont think they can ignore the high readings forever. The problem is its normally high and stays high while mine fluctuates.
Another interesting experience with a medic. This time the doctor wanted a job in an ivf clinic and wanted to know what made a good service/good consultant. We must have talked about it for 15/20 minutes.
Symptoms = swollen feet and ankles rising to my calves now, painful hands and fingers
Wednesday 31 August 2011
33 weeks 4 days pregnant - growth scan
Well my regular doctor was back from her holiday yesterday and so she was the one who scanned me. (I knew not to get excited about the last scan.) She put the baby back on the original growth curve. The BPD (head diameter) on the 3rd percentile along with the femur. The tummy circumference just a bit above and the head on about the 40 line. (So baby has a big head by comparison to other body parts not other babies.)
She also measured the short bones (lower leg and arm) and I wish I hadnt seen. Some were showing at approximately 29 weeks. She said not to worry about these (how do I do that?) as the baby is at such a funny angle she couldnt get good measurements. The babies head is down in my pelvis and his body is twisted, in an L shape, so that his bottom is by my left hip.
I was contemplating going back to work but after the scan results I just want to put my head down and stay close to home. Can I say this? Maybe I will come back and delete it later but Im ashamed - that Ive done this and that my baby may not be normally formed. I dont want to face people and pretend everything is okay nor do I want to explain every detail. If there is something wrong I dont know how I will cope. But for now I dont want to see people - I want to be alone and get my head around it by myself.
So thats it. One more scan in two weeks when I will be 35 + 4 and just 2 weeks + after that I should be induced.
I have begun to experience terrible swelling in my hands - I wake up and they are painful and like big fat sausages. I also have one swollen ankle - just one mind.
The leakage problem has raised its head again. My fluid is within normal but low. I will have to go in today and have an internal. All those weeks ago (with my original consultant) I raised the same issue as I can feel something opening and liquid passing on occasions - now I dont know what it is. It could be urine (my bladder was never so good after the myomectomy (fibroid removal when they cut my bladder), or amniotic fluid or simply discharge. My knickers are wet everyday. I felt a bubble of liquid passing yesterday morning, changed my underwear and by the time I was at the hospital for my appointment I was wet again. It doesnt sound like fluid but I think I should try and find out what it is.
Ooh the ups and downs.
My bump is still small but it is visable now. I actually was offered a seat on the tube yesterday! What a kind man. I was tired and feeling leaky coming back from my scan and was ever so grateful. It must mean that I now look pregnant and not just fat. Dont get me wrong, I love my bump - its so tight (especially in the morning). It feels like a miracle in itself. That Ive actually got one. I will miss it when its gone.
Symtoms = swollen ankle and hands, raised bp, baby moving/squirming, bleeding gums
She also measured the short bones (lower leg and arm) and I wish I hadnt seen. Some were showing at approximately 29 weeks. She said not to worry about these (how do I do that?) as the baby is at such a funny angle she couldnt get good measurements. The babies head is down in my pelvis and his body is twisted, in an L shape, so that his bottom is by my left hip.
I was contemplating going back to work but after the scan results I just want to put my head down and stay close to home. Can I say this? Maybe I will come back and delete it later but Im ashamed - that Ive done this and that my baby may not be normally formed. I dont want to face people and pretend everything is okay nor do I want to explain every detail. If there is something wrong I dont know how I will cope. But for now I dont want to see people - I want to be alone and get my head around it by myself.
So thats it. One more scan in two weeks when I will be 35 + 4 and just 2 weeks + after that I should be induced.
I have begun to experience terrible swelling in my hands - I wake up and they are painful and like big fat sausages. I also have one swollen ankle - just one mind.
The leakage problem has raised its head again. My fluid is within normal but low. I will have to go in today and have an internal. All those weeks ago (with my original consultant) I raised the same issue as I can feel something opening and liquid passing on occasions - now I dont know what it is. It could be urine (my bladder was never so good after the myomectomy (fibroid removal when they cut my bladder), or amniotic fluid or simply discharge. My knickers are wet everyday. I felt a bubble of liquid passing yesterday morning, changed my underwear and by the time I was at the hospital for my appointment I was wet again. It doesnt sound like fluid but I think I should try and find out what it is.
Ooh the ups and downs.
My bump is still small but it is visable now. I actually was offered a seat on the tube yesterday! What a kind man. I was tired and feeling leaky coming back from my scan and was ever so grateful. It must mean that I now look pregnant and not just fat. Dont get me wrong, I love my bump - its so tight (especially in the morning). It feels like a miracle in itself. That Ive actually got one. I will miss it when its gone.
Symtoms = swollen ankle and hands, raised bp, baby moving/squirming, bleeding gums
Tuesday 16 August 2011
31 weeks and 4 days pregnant - growth scan
Well, today I had a growth scan. It was not at the FMU (fetal medicine unit) but rather where all the other ladies get scanned. I always wanted to progress to that unit as that would mean my pregnancy was progressing normally.
The doctor that has been seeing me in the FMU is on holiday so thats why I was seen in the other unit. Anyway, I dont know what to make of it but she measured the femur at 60mm, an increase of 15mm?? That also now plonks the femur on the 50% line - normal. In fact everything has grown. Im so untrusting - are these really the correct measurments this time? Has my baby had a growth spurt? Is everything gong to be okay?
The estimated weight is now 3lb 9.1 oz. Previously I was struggling to get to 2lbs.
She measured everything 9 or 10 times. Checked and double checked.
I dont trust anyone and thats the truth.
The sonographer is 41 and confided that she is about to try ivf. She wanted to hear about my story and I shared the things I have learnt along the way. There are so many of us out there.
It feels liike a good day - but Im scared of being happy and accepting and believing, after all this upset, that everything will be okay. I pray it will be. Im going to start my knitting back up today it feels like a baby will be born.
Negatively DH has been made redundant -but thats a worry for another day. Tomorrow I have another hospital appointment - 1230 they are going to set me up with my own blood pressure machine and take it home, 1600 diabetic clinic and 1900 tour of the maternity facilities.
Thank you for the lovely lady who commented on my blog. I have wondered at times if anyone was reading and if it would be helpful to anyone.
Symptoms = baby moving, sickness, bleeding gums, wobbly on my feet at times
The doctor that has been seeing me in the FMU is on holiday so thats why I was seen in the other unit. Anyway, I dont know what to make of it but she measured the femur at 60mm, an increase of 15mm?? That also now plonks the femur on the 50% line - normal. In fact everything has grown. Im so untrusting - are these really the correct measurments this time? Has my baby had a growth spurt? Is everything gong to be okay?
The estimated weight is now 3lb 9.1 oz. Previously I was struggling to get to 2lbs.
She measured everything 9 or 10 times. Checked and double checked.
I dont trust anyone and thats the truth.
The sonographer is 41 and confided that she is about to try ivf. She wanted to hear about my story and I shared the things I have learnt along the way. There are so many of us out there.
It feels liike a good day - but Im scared of being happy and accepting and believing, after all this upset, that everything will be okay. I pray it will be. Im going to start my knitting back up today it feels like a baby will be born.
Negatively DH has been made redundant -but thats a worry for another day. Tomorrow I have another hospital appointment - 1230 they are going to set me up with my own blood pressure machine and take it home, 1600 diabetic clinic and 1900 tour of the maternity facilities.
Thank you for the lovely lady who commented on my blog. I have wondered at times if anyone was reading and if it would be helpful to anyone.
Symptoms = baby moving, sickness, bleeding gums, wobbly on my feet at times
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