Monday 31 January 2011

6dp5dt poas

Well Im not sure.  I poas early this morning, about 4am in the end and Im not sure.  I think there is a hint of a vertical blue line.  When I say a hint I mean a hint.  If I hold it up to the light it disappears, in a dim light I can see nothing but in a flat light I think I can see a ghost of a blue band.  I wouldnt swear by it but hope floats again because of it.  Tomorrow could be the big day.  I cant wait to line them up for dh, showing him one by one and ending with a clearly positive.

If it is darker tomorrow Ill jump for joy and believe it.  Last time with my early miscarriage I didnt get a positive until 18dp5dt and then it was only just darker than today.

I also had a yucky moment.  Im sure its the drugs but this morning 6am (after going back to bed for an hour) I took my tablets, 1 x asprin, 3 x oesdra????, 2 x steriods, 1 x vitamin, 1 x fish oil and a squirt of vitamin d.  I took them with water and then ate 3 x brazil nuts and took my porridge and glass of pineapple juice back to bed.  Well after eating my porridge and only having a sip of my juice, a mouthful came back.  I know its horrible and the tablets always twist at my stomach a bit but when you pray for morning sickness it feels like a joy.

Ill let you know tomorrow.

Symptoms = 1 reflux, heavy uterus (in the night)

2am and heavy tummy

Its 2am and Im up.  I was woken up by the heavy feeling in my uterus.  It definately feels like AF is coming.  The feeling is coming mostly from my left side and my temperature has dipped today.  Im not sure if it should have dipped yet.  Normally your temperature goes down just before your period starts but the progesterone prevents my period from starting (I have never had a period whilst taking this medication and for a bfn I have to stop taking it and AF follows a week or so later). 

To be fair, Ive been up every hour from about midnight, reaching for the thermometer at 1am it was 36.50 (a dip from yeterday) at 2am it was 36.38 (really low) but you are supposed to take your temperature first thing in the morning after a good 5 hours sleep.  So really who knows.

The 2 week wait is a killer.  It plays with your mind or rather you play with your mind!  I dont want another bfn.  I dont know if I can face it.  Its that horrible realisation that its over.  That hope has gone and at 43 that time is definately running out.  It hits like a rock and drags you down. 

The process takes all your money.  Im in credit card debt.  Debt that I cant pay off in 6 months and yet if this cycle doesnt work I will want to try again in April and if that doesnt work in summer constantly increasing the strain on your credit cards.  Each cycle is in excess of £5000.  I have yet to be billed for this FET (frozen embryo transfer which costs just over £1000.  Can you see how it builds.

Oh, I think that will be the end of my rant for today.  I need to go to the loo and am thinking whether to poas now or wait till the morning.  The obsessing mind means that if I pee now and its negative I shall be tempted to do another one in the morning which is likely to read the same result.  I shall wait... to morning.  Its bad enough having to wait for another 24 hours.  If I can offer any advice to anyone its dont test early.  Im sure its great if its possitive but if not its just painful and drags you down.

Sunday 30 January 2011

5dp5dt bfn poas

Well I woke this morning and nothing.  Another bfn.  For a second there I thought some blue had attached to the vertical line but now, in the lights of my kitchen, I see that there is no line.  Ouch.  I shall make peace with my emotions by telling myself its too early.  It is too early.  I read the packaging and its from 4 days before the start of your period and thats still 4 days away and then thats only 50% ish accurate (I threw the box away).  So my head says that there is no way that it could work but my heart has begun to lament.

I will try hard to tuck it away.  Early testing is fine if you get a bfp, if you dont you just end up on a terrible treadmill.  Bobby, 'no positive test in January', but there is still a chance that my pregnancy has started in January.  We can only wait and see.

Symptoms = burping (to a lesser extent)  swollen tummy (I look pregnant but Im afraid that it is just too many calories) oh and just as I was going to sign off my juice repeated on me.  Can you get pregnancy symptoms and not register on a hpt?

4dp5dt bfn poas

Well I tested, at 5 o'clock this morning.  I was tired (still sleeping really) and blinded by the overhead light of the bathroom.  It was unsurprisingly a bfn.  I want to say that I have never tested early before.  In all my other cycles I have waited patiently for the officially date.  On my last cycle my offical date was a Wednesday and as I didnt want to test on a school night (I teach primary) I waited until the Friday night.  Not because Im a matar but because I didnt want to take my upset into work.  I might cry easily and Im very private (says she blogging her drama).

Anyway it was a negative.  Its definately a negative now and I cant be sure if at any time a whisper of blue clung to make a hint of a cross because I couldnt see.

I will try again tomorrow and then I might go every other day. 

You might wonder why Im even testing now? Well its a story that has stretched across the years, which started when I was about 24.  At that time of my life I first went to a psychic.  She was my first proper psychic (before I had paid a fiver at a fair for a 5 minute reading), she was recommended and I went with a friend.  The first time I went the psychic, Bobby, told me lots of truths about myself and made predictions that stretched a five year period.  Including working with cameras, how I wear my hair, that I would travel, that there was something wrong with my drains, that my boyfriend of the time was going to the states (and she dated his departure) and finally that I would be the face of a magazine. 

Well she was right!  When I got home outside my house was an Islington dainage van.  I dont know if there was anything wrong with my drains but the coincidence of the van pulling away from my house as I walked home that night was amazing.  The rest, over a five year period, came true.  I did work with cameras, I travelled flying every 3 months or so, I did indeed always wear my hair in a pony tail (I had worn it down on the day of my reading as I was going out), my boyfriend of the time did go back to the states but not at the time I thought but at the time Bobby predicted (someone died and his contract was extended) and finally, 5 years later I worked for a magazine. 

Over the years I have gone back to her (probably about 7 or 8 times).  Although not all of her readings were like that some were more pick yourself up, lots about the men in my life (not being the best choice), etc but never babies.  Never, and I always asked.

The last time I went I was miscarrying and for the first time across a 20ish year time span Bobby predicted I would have a baby (two she thought).  She said there would be a positive pregnancy test in January.  Well here I am 4dp5dt on the 30th January.  So one more test possible in January to go!!!   If its negative tomorrow I will give it a break and I shant deny the prediction if the positive comes a little bit late if only it comes....

Symtoms = trapped wind (some burping) other wise nothing.

Saturday 29 January 2011

3dp5dt

Ive been lying in bed listening to my body since 6 o'clock this morning.  At 6am my alarm went off to remind me to take/insert (?) my pessary. 

What have I heard?  I have a slightly nutty taste in my mouth but I had chinese for tea and since I hit 40 it tends to leave behind it indigestion and an aversion to the oil.  There are tweaks and twangs from my stomach that could be coming from any organ in the stomach area.  So I dont know.

Last night I had a glass of lemonde and both the glass and the lemonde smelt funny.  I dont know Im just desparate for a sign.... any sign... well a sign of pregnancy at least.

A bit of background, not too much as my journey started at 37 when I was first referred for ivf treatment.  Since then I have had 6 live cycles, 1 operation to remove fibroids, 1 investigation by camera and I am currently 3 days post a FET or frozen embryo transfer.  I had two embryos transfered although one, according to the embryologist hadnt survived the thaw but I decided to have it returned anyway.  They said it wouldnt hurt and after going through all that I wasnt prepared to give up on the little solider. 

The second embryo I have wanted and loved since I first heard about its existence.  It came from a different cycle to its brother/sister above but it wasnt returned at the time because of its oval shape.  I requested it be included at the time but took the advise of the team.

So thats it, my hopes are pinned on one little embryo that didnt survive (I have heard about miracle stories where they have taken despite them not re-expanding in the lab) and one, that pulls at my heart strings, that is shaped like an egg. 

Wish us luck!